- My mailman was confused.
- I told off a car dealer.
- I soothed my depression and agony with beer.
- I was totally clean.
- I ate the whole goddamn bag.
- I was the fifth member of OK Go.
- I kept my thoughts to myself.
- I had the magic touch.
- I was totally bad ass.
- I was mistaken for likeable meteorologist.
- I confused a telemarketer.
- Someone appreciated my whistling.
- Amadeus rocked me.
- I got revenge.
- I was awarded for laziness.
- I rocked down to the Jewels.
- I got something for nothing.
- I offered hitting advice to baseball legend Frank Thomas.
- Hipster lit novelist Dave Eggers interviewed me for a job.
- I parked next to one of those assholes.
- I was completely reckless and didn't give a fuck.
- I organized my compact discs.
- I got into geography.
- I discovered boxer briefs.
- I saw a baby deer.
- I fucked with the University of Illinois.
- I learned the joy of being sarcastic to authority figures.
- I married a very sensible woman.
- I was a frugal hipster.
- I ordered room service.
- I learned how to play Led Zeppelin on guitar.
- I got carded.
- I was rewarded for my loyalty.
- The Chicago Bears got me drunk.
- I saw a dude totally wipe out.
- I became a music snob.
- I was entertained by goths.
- I saw "Clash of the Titans."
- I had selective memory.
- I was snowed in.
- I fell for a very funny practical joke.
- I invented a game.
- Someone thought I was a rockstar.
- Jesus was saved by me.
- A teacher flirted with me.
- I was extremely generous.
- My mom didn't get to see Chuck Berry in concert.
- I got lost in New York City.
- I parked like a rockstar.
- I broke the ice.
- I saw nature in action.
- I made a friend.
- I said no.
- I bought a CheckPoint 6-60 Leveler.
- I had the greatest job ever.
- I avoided eye contact.
- I acted like a snob.
- I was a frugal romantic.
- My mother-in-law thought I was generous.
- I didn't give a tip.
- I was elected as a staunch conservative.
- I told my wife the truth.
- I told a local power player to suck it.
- I didn't give the finger.
- I was forced to wait.
- I made fun of the high school dean.
- I fooled my boss into thinking I was a real go-getter.
- I forced my daughter to watch Telemundo.
- I drove behind someone awesome.
- I was a total motherfuckin' rockstar.
- I rocked out with my cock out.
- My roommates had a kickass idea.
- I lived the phat life.
- I unloaded some junk.
- I escaped certain death.
- I was a hot rodder.
- I was mistaken for a homeless man.
- The 1985 Chicago Bears beat the crap out of the 2006 Colts.
- The J. Crew Catalog came in.
- I fought the law.
- I bought my first albums.
- I discovered a stash.
- I fixed my Carmex jar.
- I learned the value of a dollar.
- I wasn't a drug addict.
- The Pixies hated Chicago.
- I didn't have to say "I told you so."
- I got free cable.
- I cared for my wife.
- I gave to those less fortunate than me.
- I bravely declined treatment.
- I avoided an awkward situation.
- I discovered the longest eyebrow hair ever.
- I was a badass motherfucker.
- I remained incredibly modest and despite childhood fame and fortune.
- I made fun of my infant daughter.
- I stopped caring.
- I met someone as petty and small minded as me.
- I was a jolly and entertaining drunk.
- I made a bodybuilder laugh.
- I finished listing all the best things that have ever happened to me.